Friday, May 25, 2012

Dear Quinn

Dear Quinn,

Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday you were a tiny (literally) baby in my arms. And here you are- still tiny- but not a baby! And about to start kindergarten!! Crazy!

I know this move has been hard on you. It breaks my heart to see you struggle. You have always been sweet and quiet- and the move has made normal things even harder for you. It makes me sad when I see a cute little girl run up to you at the park and say: "Hi! My name's Whitney." And instead of saying "hi," you immediately turn your back to her and run to me as fast as you can and hug my legs. Then you refuse to leave my side the rest of the time we are at the park-- just in case that little girl comes up to you again. Which she probably won't  :(

It also makes me sad to see you struggle with pre-kindergarten things. Twice now you have chosen to not take the pre-kinder evaluation. It's not supposed to be scary. And honestly, you could answer all those questions with your eyes closed and arms behind your back. You are so smart! You did so well in preschool, and I have confidence that if you would give kindergarten a chance, you will love that as well.

But I fear for the next few months. I am trying SO HARD to help you. I have been having more play dates than ever. I'm inviting girls over that are your age so when you go to church or school you will see familiar faces. I am trying to patiently encourage you to participate in things that I know as for your own good. (And sorry for when my patience has run out. I know you have dealt with some consequences lately because you refused to do what I expected of you). I wish there was a way to put you in smaller school, but I'm afraid it's just too late for something like that. I'm reading books to help you with your self esteem and confidence. But what else can I do?

I feel like I tried to everything right when you were a baby. Encouraged your autonomy. Read you countless books all day long. Nursed you forever. Loved you and doted on you as any mother would. Yet maybe deep down this is kinda my fault. I should have helped you have more play mates around when you were really little. I was such a freak about germs that I shied away from stuff. I was so worried about you picking up some bad habit from other kids that I sheltered you from people who weren't just like us. I am nervous about schedules and safety, and it has made you nervous-- and to the extreme. Sorry for the damage. ;)

If you remember anything from this time in your life, I hope that you remember that your mommy loves you. And there is nothing I want more than for you to succeed and be happy and not have the stress and anxiety that you've been feeling lately. I hope you make a good friend that will help you not feel alone in that gigantic new school of yours. And a friend that needs you as much as you need her (or him) :)



Dave said...

you're a great mommy. the best.

i love you. both.

Megan said...

My heart is breaking for both of you guys! Don't blame yourself. You are a fantastic mom, you have loved and cared for your babies. You are the same mom to Hendrix and Veda, Hendrix is outgoing. See where I am going with this? Quinn is who she is. She'll figure it out with your help. But you my friend didn't do anything wrong! Hang in there.

Natalie said...

you are such a good mom amber. I know we haven't spent that much time around eachother, but I look up to you and your patience and how you are with your kids. Quinn is such a good girl, she'll get used to all the newness.

Anonymous said...

Amber, you and I are two peas in a pod. I've felt the someway you have with my kids. They are sheltered and I am anxious too (which probably makes them nervous too). Hang in there. I KNOW YOU are both doing your best. Quinn will probably be scared that first week of school (you'll also cry when you send her --- that's what we mom's do). However, it will work out!! She'll get less scared.

Remember the conversation I had in your hairstyling chair? The one where I told you maybe I was raising Carter to be too nice. What if he wasn't tough enough? I sometime I still worry about that. However, Jayson told me at school so many kids want to play with him. So maybe "nice" is ok.

Hang in there with Quinn. She's shy but she'll find someone. The worry will never go away. I'm shifting mine now on Chase and Corbyn. It's what us mom's do best.

Love You! Gabrielle

Shawn AND Chelsey said...

oh am that's so hard. i am sorry! quinn will be successful and adjust. i am sure of it! it will just take some time! your family is in our thoughts and prayers!!

Lindsay said...

oh amber, this was so sweet. made me tear up a tiny bit. you're a great mom. and quinn is a great little girl. i hope all goes well for her...and you.

kelsey said...

This post made me cry. Because Quinn is so sweet, and is her own person. Because you care about her so much and it shows. What kind of a mom would you be if you didn't worry about doing everything right? We all do it. You would not believe how shy I was at her age. I didn't look at or talk to anyone I didn't know, and even then sometimes it took a lot to get me out of my shell!

I think I turned out okay. I think you'll find that Quinn isn't the only five year old in there who is nervous! I still just love love love that last pic of her. It's sweet, and shows who she is.

I probably shouldn't ever bring Norah over. . . she would frighten the pants off of Quinn! lol. She's wild. And I don't know how that happened. Sometimes, I wish for a more subdued child like Quinn! We'll never do everything right, and I believe each child comes with their own little personality that is uniquely them. We influence it, but deep down they are individuals.

Chelsea and Shane said...

This may sound odd but I loved this post. It was so honest and it made me so sad for you and Quinn. I hope you are reminded that transition is so difficult and couple that with any other anxiety and life can be rough. Quinn will come around and don't beat yourself up... you are such a caring and loving mom otherwise you wouldn't be worried...It's in our nature as moms. You are amazing!!

Lindsey said...

I loved this post so much. You are an awesome mom. I hope Quinn makes leaps and strides this year. She is such a sweet girl!